Dear Andrea

Dear Andrea,

I keep telling myself, “I can’t really move forward with my life until my co-parenting situation is sorted.” It feels like I’m in a constant holding pattern, waiting for things to get better before I can actually live. How do I stop living in the “until” mindset?

Just last week, I was planning a weekend getaway with some friends—finally! But then I got a text from my ex, “I need to talk to you about the kids. Something’s not right.” Of course, it derailed everything. I kept thinking, “I can’t truly be happy until this situation is sorted.” I canceled the trip, sent some anxious texts back, and ultimately felt like I missed out on something that could have been really refreshing for me. I keep getting caught in this loop of waiting for things to settle before I can really live my life. How do I stop this?

Sincerely,

Stuck in “Until”

Hey Stuck in “Until,”

Oh, I hear you. It's like you’re waiting for the universe to give you permission to live your life—just waiting for that perfect, blissfully calm moment when everything aligns and you can finally take a breath. But let me be blunt: that perfect moment doesn’t exist. And living in the “until” mindset? Well, my friend, that’s a trap. Trust me, I’ve seen it over and over in my own life and with so many others.

Here’s the thing: meet Sarah (not her real name, obviously). Sarah spent years waiting for the “right” moment to live her life. Every time she had a window of peace, something from her high-conflict ex would come crashing in to ruin it. “I’ll take that vacation once things settle.” “I’ll start dating when my co-parenting situation calms down.” “I’ll finally start that project once my ex stops making everything more complicated.” "I'll start excerzising when..." Sound familiar?

But here’s where the lightbulb went off for Sarah: Waiting for everything to be perfect before you can live your life? Not gonna happen. The conflict isn’t going to magically disappear just because you’re waiting for the right moment to move forward. In fact, Sarah realized that by constantly putting her life on hold, she was letting her ex dictate when she was allowed to be happy. She had left the marriage so she didn't have to be controlled by the very same person who was now controlling not just her day-to-day but also her future as well.

I like to call it the, “I’m in a Hurry” phenomenon. That crazy, high-conflict co-parenting world where you feel like you’re constantly rushing and running, trying to juggle everyone else’s chaos. And it’s easy to get stuck in that loop of waiting for everything to be “better” before you actually live.

But here’s the game-changer: Life is happening now. You can’t keep waiting for a co-parenting fairy tale to magically fix things. You have the power to carve out joy right in the middle of the mess. You don’t need your ex to “settle down” before you take that trip or do something nice for yourself. Your happiness is yours to take, even if the timing doesn’t feel perfect. Because spoiler alert: the perfect timing doesn’t exist.

It’s time to stop postponing your life to get someone else’s approval (or drama). Sure, you’ll still have to deal with your ex’s chaos, but that doesn’t mean it has to control how you live. Start small. Maybe it’s a quiet morning with your favorite coffee and no rush. Or a quick dinner out with friends to recharge. The more you reclaim the little moments of joy, the less power the “until” mindset has over you.

So here’s the challenge: Find that one thing you’ve been putting off because of your co-parenting situation. A small getaway? Time for a hobby? A solo adventure? Make it happen. Seriously. This week.

You deserve it. Life isn’t about waiting for the perfect conditions; it’s about embracing the beautiful mess and still choosing to live in it.

Big hugs,Andrea